How ‘love languages’ has been helping couples for 30 years | Relationships

Recently, my boyfriend and I had a check-in. He told me that he felt as if I’d grown complacent when it came to physical affection. I bristled at the accusation, but clamped my

mouth shut, mostly because he was right. Truthfully, it’s not the first time I’ve been given this relationship feedback.When it comes to physical touch, my factory setting is

“awkward”. But I am truly excellent at small, thoughtful gestures. Just two weeks ago I curated a care package for my partner, so that after a 10-hour flight for work he’d

find a bag of liquorice, a pack of incense and a boujie bottled lemonade – all things he loves – waiting for him on the kitchen table. This tiny token of love wasn’t

ballad-worthy, but it’s how I naturally show care.Thanks to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, it’s easy to communicate the dynamic at play: my partner and I have

different love languages. Love language has become a ubiquitous trend across social media to describe the different ways in which people express and receive love. Nowadays, it’s

treated with as much respect as a clinical diagnosis, but should it be? Is mine and my partner’s difference a dealbreaker? And why do we continue to use love language as a sign

of compatibility and a good relationship?Labels provide us with really succinct ideas about ourselvesChapman’s bestselling book, which turned 30 last year, says we all give and

receive love in five different ways: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. The book, first published in 1992, argues that many

relationship conflicts can be explained by his theory of romantic miscommunication and he argues that two people might express love to one another using different “languages”,

and this would result in them struggling to understand one another. Through understanding your own love language, you can ask for what you need and vice versa, he says. According

to his theory, my love language is acts of service, while my partner’s is physical touch.Now, “love language” is more mainstream than ever and only growing in relevance.

TikTok and social media are a huge driver of this, and the phrase has 2bn views, with viral videos claiming to offer you analysis, such as “What your love language says about

you” and jokes that coffee or Timothée Chalamet are a love language.One user claimed she had discovered a sixth love language this year: feeling known by a partner. Yuna Lee,

one-half of the TikTok account @wethelees, shared her discovery in July. “I thought we were limited to the five love languages,” she says, before going on to describe a